my daughter eats more than i do

don't worry. i'm still alive. but i'm not quite sure how. except for the love of my wife and the incredible power of demerol. i don't really remember much at all of the last week of my life. i remember the pain. and the swelling. and the blood. and snot. and blood. and snot. and pain. i remember constantly feeling like i could vomit at any time. i remember my nose completely packed. therefore the only method of breathing available to me was through my mouth. this was terrible for two reasons. first, obviously, being that i just had my throat sliced and diced and was thus swollen and raw. second, my mouth was dry. and dry doesn't even describe it. open your mouth for a minute or so. you know how dry it feels, and how you get that nasty film coating over your teeth and gums and tongue and lips and throat and everything. now multiply that wonderful feeling by a week. a whole week of a mouth so dry, so nasty, so painful that i was honestly beginning to loose my mind over it. i remember that by friday, popping the lortabs and percocets just wasn't cutting it anymore. so for the weekend i lived on demerol, 50 mg, every 4 hours, day and night, from friday through tuesday. and it still felt like i had strep throat on a bad day with no painkillers. i couldn't swallow, couldn't breathe, couldn't talk without tremendous pain. i lived everyday off a few sips of water, and maybe 6 oz of yogurt. anything else was simply unbearable. yesterday was my first day out of the house, and it wore me out. today was my first day alone taking care of finley. amazingly i made it without passing out or hemorrhaging. yesterday i was finally able to drink more water and a milkshake or two. it still hurt, a lot. but at least it was possible now. today has been about the same. food is still out of the question. anything thicker than ice-cream feels like swallowing a cactus. and i have no motivation to force the food down. mostly because everything (EVERYTHING) tastes like snot, dissolved nasal packing, and iron (maybe from the blood). so it's just not worth it. i'm sure i'll get my taste back, maybe even better than before. it just might take a while. This week has been terrible, but i certainly don't regret it. it has been worth it already. on monday, one week after the procedure. i had my first post-op visit with dr. zajonc. (rhymes with science). he took the gauze off my nose, clipped the stitches in my nostrils and pulled out the plastic stints. the packing that he had stuffed my nasal cavity with had dissolved throughout the week (running down my throat, choking me, tasting like death, helping me lose my mind) he took a tool, much like the spit-sucker at the dentist office, and sucked the remaining snot and packing out. i could feel it pulling all the way from my throat. he finished and told me to close my mouth. now breathe in he said. i did. and i did. through both nostrils, which i have never previously been able to do in my whole life. and it's only improved since then.

so i can breathe. i just hope i can eat by the time we make it to florida. i crave food so badly right now. and all the ice-cream, yogurt, milk-shakes, and pudding you can eat is really overrated!